Satire

A Modern Proposal

for making it easier for the entire world to know what we have been up to and what is on our minds

by

Carlyn Hofschneider

2014

                It is not an unusual site to those, who walk through the mall, or sit in a restaurant, or even gather at an assembly, to see such places — just to name a few — packed with people of all sorts of ages with electronic devices in their hands, filling in all of their friends and followers on social networking sites with what they have been up to and what exactly is on their minds. These children, teenagers, and adults — unable to engage in an actual conversation with the people around them — are being forced, by their ever-rising need to know what everyone thinks about things related to their personal life, to constantly keep the world updated. Rather than employ all their time in reality, associating with real people face-to-face, these poor victims of social networking sites are forced to spend their time on something even more valuable, something even more worthwhile: updating their status on Facebook and tweeting on Twitter. Post, refresh, and repeat — over and over again.

                Thus, as a solution to such a drastic world-wide dilemma, I propose that there be instilled, within such individuals, a device which will be known as their social networking chip. It is a tiny, micro-sized chip that will be painlessly inserted into the wrist. Through the advancements of the latest technology, the device syncs with human brain, uploading every thought onto Facebook and Twitter. Additionally, the chip comes with its very own tracking device. Hence, it will automatically include a user’s exact location with every post.

                With such a device, individuals can satisfy their every desire to keep the world updated — instantly. Rather than having to go out of your way to pull out your device and post on Facebook or tweet on Twitter, the chip will automatically do it for you, as every thought instantly becomes your latest status and tweet, with every location included with it. Currently watching Family Guy at home? Already posted. Having problems with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Already posted. Late night shopping with food stamps at Long Feng? Already posted. The chip will always be one step ahead of you.

Additionally, stalkers will no longer even have to go on “stalker-mode” to know where you are or what you have been up to. They — and let’s not forget the whole entire world — will be constantly updated. The chip makes both their lives and yours so much easier.

 Even more, keeping tabs on your significant other will no longer be necessary either. Even the slightest thought of cheating will be posted, and their very location at every moment accounted for. You’ll never again have to wonder what has been on their minds or where they have been. The chip — or essentially Facebook and Twitter — says it all.

I cannot think of anyone who could pose any objection to such a proposal, except for those individuals who do, in fact, suffer from this world-wide epidemic of having to constantly post their personal lives all over the internet — an opposition which would, in essence, be quite hypocritical. In the argument of privacy, one cannot object to such a proposal, as the chip is simply there to do all of the things one already does: keep the rest of the world updated with one’s personal life — with the exception of the sole fact that the chip does it instantly. Now who could argue against that? There is no greater solution that man can think of, nor any device that man could create that would ease the issue, other than the social networking chip that I have proposed.

                I confess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this exceptional, micro-sized piece of technology, having no other motive than simply making it effortless for the entire world to know what one has been up to and what is on one’s mind. I have no social network, by which I myself can propose to post my personal life upon for the rest of the world to see; my Facebook status last updated in 2012, and my twitter account long de-activated.